C-section- The relief of having one, and now two

Monday was a Monday on a September 2013.  I know not to plan anything on Monday’s, because Monday’s are just plain unplanned, chaotic, spontaneous, busy, & just Monday.

After a long night of very spotted sleep I still woke up at 5a to be at the hospital at 6:30a. The earlyness was due to last minute sock shopping at Walgreens because it had dawned on me how cold hospitals were.  (Which was a waste of time because hospitals give you their socks to put on). Anyhow, so I get to the hospital, & start my induction process just fine.  I was nervous, but glad that things were all going as planned. Just a few things to mention…

  • 40 complete weeks of pregnancy
  • Baby would be born on exact due date
  • I felt confident about my health & the baby’s health progress
  • Was able to get the most basic things ready for my girl
  • Was able to work & go to drill up until my due date
  • Getting induced, but delivering naturally

But then…  14hrs of labor happened & I don’t think I ever got past a 1 or 2 dialation. Nothing was happening. I had contractions, but I could hardly feel them. (Note: Not something to look forward to as they do intensify later on when my water broke.). My Dr asked if I wanted to go home & wait for the baby to be ready on her own. Also, my husband had been gone for most of my pregnancy, & it was only possible for him to be here for my scheduled induction. Not only that, I just had this gut wrenching feeling that it had to be today. There was no way I was going home. I’m having this baby today, & I could feel she was ready too.

We continued the induction process, & finally my water broke. I will leave the pains of labor out because there are no words to describe that pain. Plus, It’s an inside thing with my husband.

My baby’s was head down & ready to come out.  What happened is that she was overly eager, & instead of trying to push with her head out, she was kind of stuck trying to push her face out instead.

All I knew was that I was nervous about natural birth, but it’s what I expected.  Then my Dr said “emergency C-Section”.  I went on a complete blank thought process as people were asking me to choose between an epidural, a spinal tap, & general anesthesia.  I couldn’t understand the difference & had to have them explain to me more than 3 times.  My decision to do a spinal tap was mostly based on having my husband in the room with me, & that I didn’t want to have to think about monitoring my own pain.  I felt so lost & even as I lay on the operating table getting surgery I was still in shock.  I couldn’t grasp the idea of not having to push.  It all became an unknown.  All I kept thinking was that I wanted to hear her cry already.  She is all I kept listening for.  As I lay freezing, she was my focus.

Then… I heard her.  It wasn’t a cry per se… it was a completely unique tune.  I wanted to cry,  & only saw her for a few seconds as my husband was the one who got to hold her & cut her umbilical cord.  As she was being thoroughly checked upon, my relief only lasted a few minutes as I picked up on my Dr mentioning hemorrhage & other small things that were sending me into a bit of panic.  My baby was out & so beautiful… now I was thinking I have to stay here.  I can’t & don’t want to go anywhere.  I want to keep feeling this beautiful love for my beautiful daughter.  I just need to stay awake & have faith.

I fought very hard not to give in to the tiredness. When I was all patched up I could only remember having a groggy conversation with my husband & I think I even apologized for not really listening to him.  Even in the recovery room I was anxious to see my baby again.  It seemed like time slowed down even more so because she was out & I wanted to have my bonding time with her.

The Dr said I had made the right call to not go home & wait. & that’s what I call my first mom moment.

When I finally saw her, I couldn’t, & I still can’t, get enough of her beauty.  She’s such a blessing & there are no words to describe the loving impression.

Now for baby #2!

Today is Saturday… I’m having a scheduled C-Section on Tuesday coming up. 3 days!

Although, sometimes I feel the guilt of having had a c-section in the first place, & now of having chosen one… I just know that I really shouldn’t feel that way.  I’ve had people have a little disappointment in their voice when they hear I scheduled a c-section.  They go on & advise me on doing a v-bac so that I can have a full birthing experience.  Although I know they mean well, I’m sitting there feeling like I owe them an explanation for both.  But I don’t.  First time was an unexpected thing, & now it’s just where my comfort is because of some issues I’ve had since the beginning of my pregnancy.

I’m still nervous about the having a baby process, scheduled or not, it’s all overwhelming.

But… I’m ready to meet my 2nd baby girl!!!

UPDATE: May 2017

I had a fairly quick c-section. Even so, it still involved a lot of stress, being nervous, & anxiousness to meet my baby after. It is always an overwhelming process. Having faith in God is definitely reassuring. God willing his miracles & blessings!

Now all my slurred speech apologies were going to my dear friend who sat & waited patiently for me to come to.

I had another beautiful baby girl!

Both of my girls are different in their own ways, but they’re both kindhearted & just so amazing.


A World of Actions over Windy Words

Actions: The only language your need in life. Even those who can’t hear can understand you perfectly by your actions.

Words are an escaped breath we wish we could touch, & that we wish we could see. We hope on a weightless idea.

Although we prefer one over the other… LOVE is the only true form of both. We want to hope for something, & more than anything, we want to live it. -DSegura

#stayinloveandbeloved #hopeonlove


Mommy-and-me drawing

There are definitely lots of fun ways to have a creative session with kids at home.  Today happens to be my new favorite way to share a creative outlet with my baby girl.  [Now, now… she may be turning 2 years old in a couple of weeks, but to me she’s absolutely still technically a one year old, and still my baby.]
And back to our creativity talk…
So today I was trying to find a good way to get my daughter to draw without making too much of a marker mess.  Even though some markers are maked as washable you can never be so sure that the darkest purple washable marker will come right off a light colored carpet or a tiled floor.
Well, I grabbed her “Crayola bath markers”, and sat her down to draw on dining room’s tiled floor.  It was great!  We had fun drawing on the tiles, and the colors popped up pretty great too.  It was so easy to wipe the colors right off with a wet cloth.

Do you ever notice EVERYTHING about your child?

Of course we gain greater powers of observance & over protection for our kids.  How could we not?
Kids are curious & are having an adventure every waking minute. They are so busy having fun that they don’t notice the small stains on their clothes after a paint session, the small scratches they endure when running around & bumping into things, or take a second to stop & think before sticking non-edibles into their mouth.
I happen to consider myself lucky to be a stay at home mother, because I keep my little girl’s environment clean & monitor her play.  Also, our home is small, so no matter what I always have a clear view of her.  On the plus side,  my little girl likes to sit & play right next to me wherever I go. I can be cleaning the restroom & she will be sitting at the doorway playing with her blocks.

Even when taking precautions such as cleaning & baby proofing everything in sight, I just can’t shake the need to check up on my little girl every 5 minutes or less.  I am comfortable that she is safe in our home, but I think it’s definitely a mom thing that keeps me on edge.

She is my little girl, so yes, I notice everything.

I notice when she learns new words, and how she goes from knocking to opening a door herself.  When she falls I rush to her side, & when she gets sleepy she yawns once & I pick her up for a nap.

I let her be independent in her own way, but I keep a close watch from a distance.

My little girl has me on my toes every step of the way.  She includes me in her adventures, & is the sunshine of my day.

I love my little girl, it’s truly true!

My little star shines thru & thru!

My beautiful wise little girl!

Love according to life

It’s a long story but I’ll try to keep it short.

A few years ago before I met the love of my life I was moments away from giving up on love.  I had finally come to terms with myself & what love really meant to me.  But it seemed almost impossible to find the person that love was meant for.

There has always been an empty space in my heart that I just didn’t know how to fill.  It was as if I was going through life with a blindfold over my eyes, slowly walking, following an invisible string that connected me to someone else.  A string that turned, twirled, & knotted in between people making it confusing & frustrating to figure out who the string actually belonged to.  Finally feeling helpless & wanting to quit because I just couldn’t find the end of it.

So for a moment I did quit. I let go of everything. I stopped & just lived a complete normal-ish life & focused only on myself.

After a few months, self focusing helped me ground myself a little, & I gained a much more calm-positive outlook on life. A perspective where there’s absolutely hope for a better life.

Then… it happened.  I had almost forgotten about that silly invisible string by the time I met my husband.

When I first met my husband it was unexpected, & although it isn’t a good story to tell of how we met I still look back to it being a perfect night.

We didn’t talk for a couple of weeks, but when we did start talking again we started to just hang out with each other.  I remember still feeling like I was in a routine schedule. Work, home, work, home, some hanging out here & there with my now husband, but mostly work & home.  But there was something different about the way I felt about this routine. I felt happy.

I was enjoying this moment with my now husband.  It was effortless. I knew I was falling for him, but I didn’t want to ask anything, or mention my feelings for fear of losing the moment.  It all seemed too good to be true.  So if it was a dream I was going to let myself keep dreaming with him.

Time seemed to be speeding by.

It wasn’t until a few months later that it all just hit me.  An overwhelming bundle of feelings that were accumulating every single day just came rushing into my heart like a burst of energy.  After all that, I didn’t know what to do. I felt a lot at one time & with intensity.

That’s when I realized that I was wrong about how I followed the string before.

I wasn’t supposed to follow it at all. The string pulled me along all on its own. Once I stopped following & trying to find the end, the string tightened on itself to bring its ends closer to each other.  I was trying too hard to tug on it & pull in closer.  By doing so I caused the twists, turns, twirls, & knots.  So when I let it loose it loosened itself & it was able to do its thing & guide me with it.  I love my husband. It’s rare to find love these days, to marry the person you’re in love with, & even more so to stay married & build such a wonderful life together.

I know the string theory may seem like a bit much, but that’s how it feels for me everyday.  Even married, that string tugs at me to move when he moves, to feel the separation when he leaves for work, or even to go to the next room.  I feel instant happiness & I can feel my face light up as soon as I see him. When he talks, I feel as if everything he says is amazing.

I am happy & absolutely blessed to have married the love of my life!